Balancing Depth and Sensitivity: Integrating Giftedness with Additional Neurodivergences

by Jennifer Harvey Sallin

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Twice-exceptional: the gifted mind + other neurodivergence

Twice-exceptional and multi-exceptional (2e or me) people, also sometimes described as multiply neurodivergent or neurocomplex, live at the intersection of giftedness and other forms of neurodivergence. Our minds process the world with unusual intensity, complexity and depth, yet our high abilities can be obscured by the challenges we face related to our other neurodivergences—at times making our giftedness less visible, misunderstood, or even dismissed.

In traditional educational and work environments, giftedness is often equated with high achievement, while other neurodivergences are often framed in terms of difficulties or deficits. The twice-exceptional experience disrupts these simplistic categories. A 2e person may be profoundly insightful but struggle with executive functioning, highly verbal yet dyslexic, or mathematically brilliant yet deeply affected by sensory overwhelm. The tension between gifted potential and areas of difficulty can create an ongoing internal and external push-pull, leading to self-doubt, frustration and exhaustion.

Understanding and integrating our 2e experience requires both self-awareness and an inner framework that honors the full spectrum of our multidimensional mind. It’s not about prioritizing one aspect over another, but about creating and nurturing an internal and external environment where all parts—both gifted and otherwise neurodivergent—can be seen, known, supported, valued and loved. If you're new to neurodivergence as a theme, you may want to read this short introductory article before reading the rest of this article.

 

Why I chose to focus on giftedness

When I founded InterGifted ten years ago, I made a conscious decision to center giftedness rather than equally covering the other forms of neurodivergence that create twice- and multi-exceptionality. At the time, almost no spaces existed for gifted adults to explore their giftedness in depth, and I wanted to create a dedicated environment for that exploration. I had observed that when organizations attempt to address all forms of neurodivergence equally, the gifted dimension often gets overshadowed—sometimes subtly, sometimes entirely.

There are many reasons for this. One is that some people feel more comfortable identifying with or seeking support for other neurodivergences than they do for giftedness—especially in families, communities, and cultures where giftedness is misunderstood, taboo, or only acknowledged in an academic context. Another is that when other neurodivergences are present, the urgency of coping with challenges related to those neurodivergences can take precedence over the relatively less urgent gifted-specific needs. Additionally, there is significantly more literature, language, modeling and professionally trained support available for learning differences, autism, and ADHD than there is for adult giftedness. As a result, many people with multiple neurodivergences naturally gravitate toward the frameworks and resources that are most available and widely discussed, leaving giftedness as an afterthought.

But there is also something deeper at play. Many people feel shame or guilt about being gifted—ashamed for being different, guilty for being more capable than others. And twice-exceptional people often feel very confused about their 'spiky profiles' (high ability and low ability in various combinations). In these cases, it can be easier to focus on other neurodivergent traits, as they may feel less emotionally charged to explore. Avoiding the gifted dimension can become a way to sidestep the shame, guilt and confusion that arises with acknowledging and integrating it.

For me, creating InterGifted was about ensuring that giftedness didn’t get lost in the mix. Just as I’ve had to give sacred space to my own gifted part, without it being overtaken by the needs of my additional neurodivergence, I saw the need to do something similar on a collective scale—ensuring that the gifted parts of humanity aren't overlooked in favor of addressing other neurodivergent struggles or needs. This isn’t at all about denying or minimizing other aspects of neurodivergence, but about carving out a much-needed space where giftedness can be recognized, explored, and nurtured in its own right.

 

Too much, not enough

That said, other neurodivergences do play a huge role in the life of a 2e person, and integrating the multiple parts of one’s mind and self is a necessary step toward thriving—even if we're primarily focused on giftedness integration. That's because the gifted part of us must cohabit life together with the other neurodivergent parts of us. These parts need to get along and understand each other in order for us to have a healthy life and a harmonious existential experience on this earth.

This is in no way an easy or automatic process, and isn't typically addressed in literature, support frameworks and community spaces dedicated to educating about and integrating "extra" neurodivergences. Many 2e people spend years—sometimes decades—without recognizing the full complexity of our cognitive and emotional landscape. Some of us compensate so well for our struggles that our giftedness overshadows our difficulties, leading to missed or late diagnoses. Conversely, as mentioned above, our other neurodivergent challenges can become our primary focus, leaving our giftedness unrecognized and under-resourced. In the former case, as our other neurodivergent needs go chronically unmet, our gifted part tends to burn out as it tries to overcompensate. And in the latter case, we might be succeeding in meeting our other neurodivergent needs, while our gifted part languishes unseen and unattended to.

Internally, a classic experience of unintegrated giftedness and extra exceptionalities is feeling like we're "too much" and "not enough" all at once—both to our own selves and to the world. Our gifted side feels too intense, too complex, too fast, too deep, too wide, too big picture, too exigent, and so on. Our other neurodivergence feels not organized enough, not fast enough, not “functional” enough, not “motivated” enough, not socially adept enough, and so on. Masking that feeling of too-muchness and not-enoughness is universal: I haven’t met a 2e person who hasn’t at one time or another covered up the parts our giftedness that feel like too much, while also covering up the parts of our other neurodivergences that feel like not enough. Of course, sometimes it's the other way around: for example, our giftedness can feel "not normal enough" and our other neurodivergence can feel "too needy". There's all sorts of ways and combinations these dynamics can manifest, and if these parts of us remain unintegrated, they can cause significant distress, anxiety and even ongoing mental health issues.

 

The 2e experience as a gift

Being twice-exceptional is not just a challenge, however. It is also a rich and unique way of being in the world. The complexity, originality, and resilience that emerge from navigating and integrating both giftedness and other neurodivergence can lead to brilliant insights, personal depth within the self, and impressively singular contributions to the collective. With the right support, our multiple neurodivergence can become a deep well of personal and creative power—a beautiful, unique signature of being and interacting with the world.

The key is not to try to conform to norms or to try to "fix ourselves", but to create a life that welcomes and aligns to the full spectrum of who we are. In doing so, we reclaim our rightful place in a world that has room for our fundamental complexity, depth, and neurodivergent perspectives. Naturally, this discovery and integration process covers a number of distinct phases, such as research, self-identification or formal assessment, attuned support, self-advocacy, and so on. As these aspects are adequately covered elsewhere, I will dedicate the remaining part of this article to phase of inner integration of these parts of ourselves. And to do so, I’ll use the analogy of an 'inner family of parts', from the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model.

 

The inner family of a twice-exceptional mind

Within the twice-exceptional experience exists an intricate internal ecosystem—what IFS would call an inner family of parts, each with its own voice, needs, and protective strategies. These parts often develop in response to the particular tensions of 2e life: the gifted part striving for depth, mastery, and newness, while other neurodivergent parts often navigate overwhelm, social challenges, executive function difficulties, or sensory sensitivities.

Many 2e people unconsciously assign different roles to these parts. A gifted part might take on the role of the high-achiever, determined to prove its worth despite struggles. It might take on a perfectionistic mandate in order to protect against feelings of inadequacy or to hide other neurodivergent traits (in IFS, this is called a 'manager'). Meanwhile, another neurodivergent part carrying deep exhaustion or frustration might feel unseen, exiled, or dismissed as "the part that always fails" (in IFS, an 'exile'). These internal conflicts can create cycles of inner criticism, disempowerment and existential anxiety. In IFS, a 'firefighter' part would typically then come to the rescue: our 'firefighters' can (and often do!) show up for us 2e people as addictive behaviors, dissociation and other forms of numbing from our feelings of angst, powerlessness and exhaustion. I think because of the frequency of firefighting that happens as a result of the tensions of the 2e profile, our nervous systems tend to spend a lot of time in non-regulated states. I could go into the topic of neurodivergent trauma here, but I will save that for another more in-depth treatment elsewhere.

Keeping it fairly simple for now: healing and thriving as a 2e person often requires us shifting from an adversarial relationship between our parts to one of understanding and inner leadership through Self. The Self in IFS is a 'non-parts', non-fragmented representation of the qualities you can possess, no matter what you’ve been through in your life. Those qualities are described in IFS by the 8 C's of Self: compassion, curiosity, clarity, creativity, calm, confidence, courage, and connectedness. I sometimes think of Self as our healthy inner parenting duo—the internal expression or representation of healthy mom/feminine energies and healthy dad/masculine energies.

 

Neurodivergent self-leadership 

The goal of Self as inner parenting duo is to become a compassionate guide to our inner family of parts, all neurodivergent parts included. This sometimes means offering the kind of parenting, attunement, and safe space that may not have been and may still not be available externally in our life. In order to do this, we must strive to welcome all our parts with curiosity, instead of trying to "fix" ourselves or suppress difficult emotions related to our neurodivergences. As Self, we can learn to listen to each part’s needs: does my gifted part need a break from managing everything right now? Does my other neurodivergent part need to feel valued just as they are, without being pushed to be different?

This allows us to, in the language of IFS, unburden protective roles and welcome exiles back into the present moment with us. It allows our nervous system to stop being in 'firefighter' mode, so that all our whole self can feel like it has a safe, non-exploitative, non-shaming, and empowering place within our Self.

True self-leadership comes from embracing the full spectrum of our inner world. When our various inner parts feel seen and supported, they can collaborate rather than compete, leading to a more balanced and empowered experience of our whole self. We can transform internal struggles into sources of wisdom and connection, as well as deepening our capacity to embody qualities that I think most of us strive for, whether we are gifted, multiply neurodivergent or not: those 8 C’s that matter immensely in creating a good life for ourselves, regardless of our cognitive starting point.

 

My own neurodivergence integration 

As we see, the challenge of multiple neurodivergence is not just external—finding environments that accommodate both giftedness and other exceptionalities—but also deeply internal. The tension between these parts can create an ongoing inner relational style of conflict, where one aspect of self continually overrides or suppresses the other, unless we actively work to create a healthy inner family.

In my own experience, my gifted part has always sought more—more exploration, more depth, more challenge—driven by an insatiable curiosity and a pressing need for novelty, big picture understanding and universal meaning. Meanwhile, my other neurodivergent part craves routine, sameness, and minimal stimulation. In the past, my gifted part would charge ahead, making ambitious commitments and setting visions and goals that the other neurodivergent part of me couldn’t sustain. That part, overwhelmed and unable to keep up, would retreat into dissociation—becoming an exile.

Through deep self-work, as described above, I’ve learned that true integration doesn’t mean silencing one part in favor of the other. Instead, it requires a relational shift—where my giftedness practices its expansiveness through attunement rather than domination. Through Self, I’ve had to guide my gifted part into being a good sibling to my other neurodivergent part, allowing curiosity to exist alongside care. Likewise, I’ve had to teach my other neurodivergent part that it doesn’t have to fear gifted intensity but can instead develop trust in its own ability to set sustainable boundaries, and an appreciation for the unconventional life and perspectives afforded my by my gifted mind. In turn, I’ve had to teach my gifted part to not overmanage and overperform to compensate for my other neurodivergence's struggles. I don’t have to “look normal”, or prove that my giftedness doesn’t come with other slower parts. My gifted part has learned to find depth in slowness, and appreciate and learn from the balance my other neurodivergence brings to my whole self. In some ways, my giftedness has learned how to just be from my other neurodivergence, which is a form of embodied wisdom that no amount of intellectual intelligence can automatically understand or manifest.

This process of integration is ongoing, but it has profoundly shifted my relationship with my own mind. Rather than being trapped in chronic patterns of overcommitment, inner conflict, frustration and shutdown, I now experience a more sustainable inner harmony—one in which two inner siblings strengthen each other’s humanity, and in which my Self's leadership capacity and experience of the 8 C’s has grown considerably.

 

(Inner) family is lifelong 

It’s important to remember that, just like with external families, internal families are a dynamic and lifelong process, not a one-time relationship or destination. Even if we lose a family member, or in cases where we need to cut contact, the people who we call family for any length of time—whether short-term or long-term, close or distant—take a place in the relational representations of our inner world. Throughout our lifespan, “family” is a theme that needs attention and care, intention and action. There is no perfect balance to attain, but rather an ongoing process of creativity and agency for how we relate to whatever family—internal or external—we have in this lifetime.

Our neurodivergent inner family won’t ever be, and doesn’t need to be, “perfect”. What is perfection anyway, other than an abstraction based on an impossibility? In developmental and family psychology, it’s often said that we never needed to have or to be perfect parents. We needed parents that were “good enough”—in the sense of caring enough, attuned enough, compassionate enough. That’s how we can think of parenting our inner multiply neurodivergent family—our Self needs to be a “good enough” inner parent. This translates to cultivating adequate space for intensity and simplicity, exploration and stability, excitement and calm, and teaching our inner children how to collaborate and love in the unique imperfect inner family they’ve been born into. It’s about continually nurturing a dialogue between our inner parts, where the gifted mind can expand and explore enough, and the other neurodivergent aspects can find enough grounding and space for care.

Our experiences, both gifted and additionally neurodivergent, are not inherently oppositional forces—they are interconnected expressions of who we are in this lifetime. By allowing them to coexist with respect, we create an environment where our complexity becomes a source of resilience, insight, creativity, embodied wisdom, connection, love, shared joy and shared humanity.

 

Parenting, teaching, healing 2e people

If you, like me, are leading an inner family of neurodivergent parts, I hope you've found resonance and inspiration in this article. As we continue to understand and nurture these essential parts of ourselves, we gain insight not only into who we are but also into how we can relate and contribute more authentically to the world around us.

If you're parenting a child who is twice-exceptional, you might also find some inspiration here as you help them navigate their own inner contradictions and complexities. Children, like adults, deserve to see their multifaceted nature as something to be cherished, not corrected. It’s a delicate balance of nurturing their strengths and supporting them through challenges, allowing them to develop a relationship with their 'inner family of parts' that honors all aspects of their being.

If you’re a teacher, therapist, or someone working with twice-exceptional individuals in a supportive capacity, I hope this article has given you a clearer understanding of the challenges and opportunities your 2e students, patients and clients face in their lifelong development. Their path may not always look linear, and their complexities may seem contradictory, but within that non-linearity and complexity lies immense potential for a joyfully lived life. Approaching your 2e students or clients with curiosity, compassion, and an understanding of the interconnectedness of their giftedness and neurodivergence can provide the grounding needed for deep and meaningful support.

 

Keep exploring

• For anyone interested in exploring the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model as a way to integrate neurodivergent parts, there are a wealth of resources available. I particularly recommend the work of Alessio Rizzo, whose approach at the intersection of neurodivergence and IFS provides valuable tools and language for this process.
• If you're interested to connect with other twice- or multi-exceptional people in shared exploration of giftedness and other neurodivergence integration, join us in our community.
• If you're a gifted therapist or coach looking to better support your 2e clients in their integration process, join our professional trainings in gifted psychology.
• If you're interested in exploring how your giftedness intertwines with your other neurodivergences, and want to holistically map out the terrain of your 2e life, you might enjoy having a qualitative giftedness assessment with us.

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Title illustration thanks to Zuzufiane via pixabay.

 

 

About Jennifer Harvey Sallin

Jennifer is the founding director of InterGifted. She's a psychologist, coach and mentor who specializes in providing training for coaches, therapists and other helping professionals who support the gifted population. She also performs giftedness assessments and writes extensively on giftedness and self-development. You can find her articles here on InterGifted’s blog and on her own blog at Rediscovering Yourself. Her climate psychology project is at I Heart Earth. She is based in Switzerland and works with gifted adults throughout the world. You can learn more about her here.